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Who Will I Kill?

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Who Will I Kill?, also known as Whom Shall I Kill? is a song from the episode Samson vs. the Vampire Women. This is sung by Dr. Forrester after he discovers that Frank is gone.


[On the Satellite: Mike, Tom, and Crow standing around. Light flashes.]

MIKE: Uh, oh. Uh, that's got to be Forrester.

[Deep 13: Forrester is obviously distraught]

DR. FORRESTER: Oh, Mike. I can't find Frank anywhere. He never stays out this late, what with his fear of halogen. I've checked everywhere: The DQ, the sewage treatment plant, all his usual hangouts. Nothing! I'm just terribly afraid that he's gone and he's never coming back. And if I cared one iota, it would be devastating. If I cared....

MIKE: Oh, boy, the boss is always the last to know, huh? Well, you see Sir, our time here on Earth is but a passing thing--

CROW: He was assumed by the angel Torgo in a glorious coronation!

TOM: Well, it was kind of a cosmic Torgo. You see, his mission as a second banana was ah, uh, and you were kind of mean, so they, uh....

MIKE: Well, there was a fortune which foretold something about something, and then, well, Gabby Hayes is heavily involved.

CROW: Anyway, he's not comin' back.

MIKE: Sorry!

DR. FORRESTER: Wait, I can't imagine. I shan't! Because it isn't true! But it is. Oh, this sucks! [piano music starts] Who will be my guinea pig for my gene splicing? My fingernail transplants? My fajita? Who will I blame my mistakes on? Who will I -- who will I kill?

I've destroyed and I've maimed and I've kicked him.

Now I'm a bully with no victim.

No adrenaline thrill,

No screams that are shrill,

Who, who will I kill?

I've crushed his head a few times,

Memories like nursery rhymes.

No one dies like my TV's Frank.

No sweet blood to distill,

No cute tummy to drill,

Who, who will I kill?

When I look upon

The first evening star,

I remember when I hooked his liver

To the engine of my car.

I could pickle my Aunt Lil,

Give my dog a cyanide pill,

But what Frank-shaped void

Could they possibly fill?

Here's my money, you can bank it,

I'm no good without my Frank. It

Seems he could die

Without batting an eye.

Now it seems

I must take

My own bitter pill.

Tell me who, who will I kill?

[spoken, as music ends] Goodbye Frank! And remember, wherever you are, I WILL KILL YOU!

[Back on the Satellite:]

TOM: Huh...

MIKE: In a sick way, I feel touched.

CROW & TOM: [mumbled] Yeah...

MIKE: We'll be right back.

Songs edit
"MST3K Love Theme" • "Clay & Lar's Flesh Barn" • "Commando Cody Song" • "Sidehackin'" • "Only Love Pads the Film" • "Wild Rebels Cereal" • "My Creepy Girl" • "If Chauffeurs Ruled the World" • "The Jet Jaguar Song" • "Godzilla Genealogy Bop" • "Tibby, Oh Tibby" • "Idiot Control" • "A Clown in the Sky" • "Hike Your Pants Up" • "Celebrity Siblings" • "The Gamera Song" • "Michael Feinstein's Gamera" • "Annoying Cornjob Song" • "Slow the Plot Down" • "The Plate Spinning Song" • "The Waffle Song" • "Cosmic Freight Train" • "Music from Some Guys in Space" • "Fugitive Alien Medley" • "Sandy Frank Song" • "A Patrick Swayze Christmas" • "City Rap" • "Oh, Kim Cattrall" • "A Danger to Myself and Others" • "Tribute to Pants" • "Satellite of Love Marching Song" • "Ode on Estelle" • "Gypsy Moons" • "Hired!" • "What a Pleasant Journey" • "The Janitor Song" • "Killer Shrew" • "My Wild Irish Ireland" • "Joey the Lemur" • "Master Ninja Theme Song" • "Tubular Boobular Joy" • "Whispering Christmas Warrior" • "Merry Christmas...If That's Okay" • "Rowsdower Saves Us" • "Beverly Hillbillies Parody" • "The Greatest Frank of All" • "Happy Thoughts" • "Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter" • "Livin' in Deep 13" • "Girl in Lovers Lane Theme" • "United Servo Academy Men's Chorus Hymn" • "The Poopy Suit Anthem" • "Square Dance" • "The Many Tunes of Gamera" • "Gypsy Rose Me" • "Bouncy Upbeat Song" • "Who Will I Kill?" • "Supercalafragalisticexpiala-wacky!" • "Satellite Hootenanny" • "Digger Smolkin Medley" • "When I Held Your Brain in My Arms" • " Puma Man" • "The Funky Seventies" • "Sodium!" • "Loving Lovers Love" • "Mystos" • "Where, Oh Werewolf" • "Stay!" • "Hobgoblins" • "The Canada Song" • "Phones" • "Air on a Delta Knight" • "The Gods Jam" • "Oh, I Am Sad" • "Bobo Creek" • "To Earth" • "Every Country Has a Monster" • "Our Love Is On Wings (You Can't See)" • "UFO" • "Great Space Circus" • "1997 Summer Blockbuster Review Theme" • "1998 Academy of Robot's Choice Awards Special" • "1998 Summer Blockbuster Review Theme" • "Mighty Science Theater" • " Satellite Of Love"

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