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The Side Hackers

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...who, I might add, is no newcomer to this thrilling new sport.
  — Race announcer

202 - The Side Hackers
Air Date September 29, 1990
MST3K Director Jim Mallon
Running Time 82 min.
AKA Five the Hard Way
Movie Director Gus Trikonis
Year 1969
Cast Ross Hagen, Diane McBain, Michael Pataki
Preceded by 201 - Rocketship X-M
Followed by 203 - Jungle Goddess

The Movie


Rommel (Hagen) stars as a cyclist who meets JC (Pataki) at a weekend race. Claire Polan, JC's fiancee, throws herself at Rommel, then cries rape when she is turned down. To avenge the "violation" of his girl, JC arranges for Rommel's girl to be assaulted and murdered. Rommel gets even. Originally titled Five the Hard Way. [1]


When the Brains first sat down and watched this movie for their writing sessions, they were shocked to discover a graphic scene of a female character being raped and murdered. They edited that scene out of the episode, and decided from then on to always watch movies in their entirety before deciding whether or not to air them on MST.

This movie features a rare riff by Cambot, when he puts up "Cambot's Scoreboard", resembling the scoreboards that the sports network ESPN puts up to give scores and results from other sporting events going on at the same time as the one you're watching.

The Episode

Host Segments

Prologue: It's cleaning day aboard the Satellite of Love, and the Bots are being naughty.

Segment One (Invention Exchange): The Bots promise to behave, so that they can stay up, for the movie (for some reason). Joel exposes a Slinky to radiation and ultraviolet light and creates Gretchen the Pet Slinky. Dr. Forrester creates a Slinky Body so he can be in two places at once. Joel critizes the Mads for stealing his ideas again.

Segment Two: Joel and the Bots sing the "Sidehacking Song".

Segment Three: The SOL crew wonder where the sidehacking went, and come up with their own color commentary for it.

Segment Four: Everyone has Rommel hats, and JC and Gooch from the planet Fivethehardway drop by the SOL and decide to get Rommel.

Segment Five: The crew sings the stirring "Love Pads the Film", and the Mads decide Frank will push the button.

Other Notes

Guest Stars


  • This episode features one of Cambot's rare riffs when he puts an ESPN-style scoreboard up during the movie.
  • This episode is the origin of the often repeated "Chili peppers burn my gut!" quote.
  • In Host Segment Four, JC's reference to the planet Fivethehardway is inspired by the film's alternate title (which remains the title of the opening song).

Obscure References

  • "And the rest!"

Crow quotes a lyric from an earlier version of the Gilligan's Island theme song; where Mary Ann and the Professor were simply referred to as "and the rest."

  • "Hey! It's Hunter S. Thompson! I didn't know sidehacking was so "GONZO"!"

Referring to the American journalist and writer Hunter S. Thompson, whose writing style was known as 'Gonzo journalism.' Fairly relevant riff, since in 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' Hunter was sent to cover the Mint 400 Race; which is an off-road desert race kinda like sidehacking. (Though a bit more refined.)

  • "... and bringing up the rear, Beetlebomb." -Tom Servo during the side-hacking race scene.

From an old Spike Jones (the composer, not the director) song about a horse race. It's a version of the William Tell Overture where Beetlebomb is in last place early on, but ends up winning.

  • "Rommel, you magnificent son of a bitch, I read your book!"

A paraphrase of famous line - originally "you magnificent bastard" - uttered by George C. Scott in the film Patton. Scott, as General George S. Patton, says this line during a battle against Nazi General F.M. Erwin Rommel, whose classic book on military tactics - Infantry Attacks - Patton had indeed read.

  • They took my thumb, Charlie!"

Tom quotes Eric Roberts as the gambler, Paulie, from The Pope of Greenwich Village.

  • "Thwow him to the gwound Centuwion." - Crow T. Robot after J.C. falls down during the final fight.

Crow quotes an instruction from Michael Palin as Pontius Pilate in the film Monty Python's Life of Brian, using the same speech impediment Palin used for the character.

  • "Oh, momma!" - when villain starts ranting, Joel imitates Steve Martin as Orin Scrivello, DDS from 'Little Shop of Horrors.'

Video Release

External links

MST3K Season 2 Promos-002:23

MST3K Season 2 Promos-0

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