Entertainment
 

The Castle of Fu Manchu

From MST3K

323 - The Castle of Fu Manchu
Air Date January 18, 1992
AKA Sax Rohmer's The Castle of Fu Manchu (UK)(USA);
Assignment Istanbul;
Fu Manchu's Castle;
The Torture Chamber of Fu Manchu
Movie Director Jesus Franco
Year 1969
Cast Christopher Lee, Richard Greene
Preceded by 322 - Master Ninja I
Followed by 324 - Master Ninja II

Contents

The Movie

Synopsis

England, 1969. Faux-Asian super-villain and stilt-wearing fashion plate Fu Manchu (Christopher Lee) is at it again. He demands "obedience to his orders". What are his orders? We never find out exactly, but you can bet it's the standard "Bow down before me, Son of Jor-el" package.

"Kool Fu Mo Gee"'s got a device/weapon/thingy that, far away, in tropical waters somewhere, turns everything black and white, creates an iceberg, and makes an ocean liner run into it. Not only that, Fu has captured one "Professor Heracles" who has invented a super weapon - crystals made from opium that can, depending on plot requirements, render people unconscious and/or turn the entire ocean into ice. Yes.

Fu broadcasts his threats via radio. A British organization which we much later learn is Scotland Yard intercepts the message and responds by putting agent Nayland Smith (the very bland and doughy Richard Greene) on the case. Smith opines that Fu must be stopped or "mankind will be obliterated". Really?

To obtain opium, Fu plots to capture the governor's mansion in Istanbul where there is a huge supply. He joins forces with hookah-smoking drug kingpin Omar Pashu after sending his murderous daughter Lin to arrange the deal. Their men storm the castle and behead the tubby nancy-boy governor. Fu then pulls a diabolical double cross by killing Pashu's men and taking his Russian "girlfriend-who-fights-like-man" "Lisa" hostage.

Meanwhile, Professor Heracles lies in bed afflicted with what appears to be congestive heart failure, sweating and sighing under a polychromatic light show caused by bad film processing. He is dying. He hasn't yet surrendered the formula for the crystals, so Fu must keep him alive a while longer. Fu decides to get Heracles a new heart and he procures a donor. Fu's men kidnap doctors Kestler and Ingrid from under Smith's nose so that they may perform the operation. Given that they are probably cardiologists and not surgeons, its kind of a dicey situation.

Fu commands Kestler to do the transplant or Ingrid will die. To show he means business, he causes a dam, conveniently located in another movie right next door to his castle, to collapse, and he makes Kestler watch. Kestler submits.

As luck would have it, the mansion either came with what is supposed to be a fully supplied operating room, or Fu had it built in the half hour he has occupied the castle. The operation begins.

This particular heart transplant is performed by just two people - Dr. Kestler, with Ingrid assisting. The operating field is illuminated by a single ordinary overhead lamp purchased at Wal-mart. They use liquid ether as the anesthetic. There is no intubation, intravenous fluids, heart-lung bypass machine, electronic monitors or device to start the new organ. They enter the chest with a screwdriver and a small hammer and use hemostats to hold the chest cavity open. Heracles' diseased heart is the size of a large prune. Remarkably, the doctors do not get one drop of blood on their scrubs during the operation. In every other aspect the procedure is chillingly realistic. Operation over, the doctors are then confined to the dungeon.

Pashu goes to Fu's castle to try to rescue Lisa. Fu has Lin dispatch Pashu with a knitting needle, but not before Fu reveals his grand escape plan, complete with the "Entrance to Eternity" - a tunnel with a mechanism for releasing Fu's water-freezing weapon.

Agent Smith swims up to Fu's castle and runs up the stairs and down to the dungeon, unopposed by guards of any kind. Smith breaks into the control room and signals London to send a warning to the Bosporus which Fu has threatened to freeze, whereupon Fu releases the crystals and torrents of water into the escape tunnel. The water does not freeze, for some reason.

Nearby, Kestler blows open his cell door using the "explosive acid" he conveniently found in the operating room. Smith breaks into the dungeon and frees Lisa. The two of them seize Heracles and drag him out the front door. Oddly enough, though his chest was split open and a new heart sewn into place just a few hours ago, he does not even wince as he is being manhandled, let alone tear open all of his stitches and bleed to death.

Doctors Kestler and Ingrid race out the escape passage, even though Ingrid is wailing and flailing just because she's a little wet. Lisa runs back inside the tunnel to save Pashu and is drowned in one foot of water as ivory-soap-bar-like crystals float sadly about.

Somehow Fu's weapon "system" is "reversed", blowing up the castle with multiple, sequential, widely separated small explosions. Fu's face dimly registers "dull surprise" as the castle crumbles around him. Finally, he leaves us with a voice-over warning us that he'll be back.

Information

The Episode

Host Segments

Prologue: The Satellite of Love crew sings a jaunty tune about their situation. All is well.

Segment One (Invention Exchange): The crew celebrates their successful performance, the Bots create a new Long-Distance Telephone Transducer when Joel forgets the invention and re-presents the Big Head. The Mads create a Stinky Bomb that turns anyone into Joe Besser and present another stinky bomb...the movie.

Segment Two: Crow tries to present his sardonic editorial on the "Miss Saigon Syndrome", only to break down because of the film. The Mads are delighted with the data.

Segment Three: The crew tries to do the "Shriner Flying Carpet" sketch, only to have Tom Servo burst into tears. The Mads order out for a victory dinner.

Segment Four: Joel tries to cheer the Bots up by explaining who Fu Manchu really is via artist renderings, only to succumb to the horror of the film. The Mads celebrate with pie.

Segment Five: The spirit of the SOL crew is utterly broken. In a show of power, the Mads toast to their triumph. Joel then challenges them to riff the film themselves, and the Mads fail miserably. The SOL crew wins again!

Stinger: A castle guard falls to ninja-like guys.

Miscellanea

  • This is the third and final appearance of the Big Head.

Obscure References

  • "Kinda like a Corvair, huh?"

The Chevrolet Corvair massively declined in popularity after Ralph Nader singled it out for criticism in his book Unsafe at Any Speed.

  • "Oh, he's Kool Fu Moe Gee!"

A reference to old-school rapper Kool Moe Dee.

  • "Castle of Fu Manchu, where you eat square hamburgers with chopsticks!"

The fast food chain White Castle specializes in small, square hamburgers.

  • "Titles by Peter Max!"

Peter Max was a commercially successful pop artist during the 1960s.

  • "I'm here for the 'Old Gringo' audition!"

Old Gringo was a 1989 film about the Mexican Revolution, featuring Gregory Peck in one of his last roles.

  • "It kinda looks like a 'NOVA' special on conception, doesn't it?"

NOVA is a science documentary series broadcast on PBS.

  • "Istanbul was Constantinople..."

Quoted from the novelty song "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)", which was re-popularized by They Might Be Giants.

  • "Oh Mrs. Peel, we're needed!"

John Steed's catchphrase from the 1960s British TV series The Avengers.

  • "Bob Hope IS The Mechanic!"

The Mechanic was a 1972 thriller film starring Charles Bronson as a hit man.

  • "Anatolia!" "East of Java!"

A play on the movie Krakatoa, East of Java.

  • "Would you like one of our Watchtowers?"

A reference to The Watchtower, a magazine published by the Jehovah's Witnesses.

  • "Miss Jane Pittman!"

The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman is a novel in which a 110-year-old African-American woman recounts the events of her life, and was made into an acclaimed made-for-TV movie in 1974.

  • "David Bowie! From 'The Hunger'!"

The Hunger was a 1983 horror film in which Bowie played a vampire.

  • "What is this? Kirlian photography?"

Kirlian photography is a photographic technique that some people believe constitutes proof of the existence of auras.

  • "You must kill Kurtz. Terminate with extreme prejudice."

The order given to Martin Sheen's character in Apocalypse Now.

  • "Frank Booth".

The name of Dennis Hopper's character in the movie Blue Velvet.

  • "They're snipe hunting!"

A snipe hunt is a type of practical joke that often involves sending the person on the receiving end to "find" a nonexistent animal or object.

  • "Like the ninja version of 'Days of Heaven'!"

Days of Heaven was a 1978 film directed by Terrence Malick.

  • "Yes, dear! I'm doing it, dear!"

An impression of John Cleese's character from Fawlty Towers.

  • "Don't smoke."

A reference to an anti-smoking PSA that actor Yul Brynner filmed shortly before his death from lung cancer and had aired posthumously, in which he said "I'm dead now. Don't smoke."

  • "This is the trickle-down theory of plots!"

A reference to trickle-down economics, a controversial theory that formed the basis of President Ronald Reagan's fiscal policies.

  • "Fu Manchu will be back in 'Sweet Sweet...', oh, who the hell cares?"

A reference to the "James Bond will return in..." taglines that frequently appear during the closing credits of James Bond movies, and to the blaxploitation film Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song.

  • "It's Audrey Hepburn in Charade."

Charade was a 1963 movie starring Audrey Hepburn.


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