MST3K 503 - Swamp Diamonds

“	Great, this is like having your mom tell you about sex...	”
	- Joel

503 - Swamp Diamonds
Air/Release Date	July 31, 1993
AKA	Cruel Swamp; Swamp Women
Movie Director	Roger Corman
Year	1955
Cast	Beverly Garland, Carole Mathews, Mike ("Touch") Connors
Short	What to Do on a Date
Year	1950
Preceded by	502 - Hercules
Followed by	504 - Secret Agent Super Dragon

The Short

Synopsis

Nick wants to take Kay out on a date, but isn't sure what they'd do. The short offers ideas like taffy pulls and scavenger sales. Nothing says romantic quite like a scavenger sale. Ultimately, all the kids have a wholesomely-celibate-vanilla-white-Eisenhower’s-America good time.

Information

• This short was included on Shorts Vol 2, released by Rhino Entertainment on VHS in October 1999, and on DVD as part of The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection: Volume 3, a 4-DVD set with The Sidehackers, The Unearthly and The Atomic Brain.
• The lead acotr, "Touch" Connors, would go on to greater success after losing that whole bizarre "Touch" thing and working as Mike Connors..  I'm of the opinion it would have been way cooler for him to use his birth name, Krekor Ohanian, which is certainly still better than Touch Connors.

The Movie

Synopsis

A plucky police woman infiltrates a group of hardened female criminals who are planning to break jail and retrieve their loot of diamonds from its swampy hiding place. Complications arise when the women abduct Connors and begin fighting each other.[1]

Information

Roger Corman's directorial debut.

The Episode

Host Segments

Prologue: The Bots obsess over the "Spock in Love" episode of Star Trek instead of helping Joel crunch numbers.

Segment One (Invention Exchange): Joel finally snaps the Bots out of it. The Mads have The U-View, a TV that lets you see what you'd be doing if you weren't at home watching TV. Joel and the Bots come up with the Andrew Lloyd Webber grill, which they gleefully use to burn the scores to Cats, Phantom of the Opera, and Evita, as well as Chess and Annie, even though he didn't write those.

Segment Two: Tom, inspired by the short, wants to date Gypsy. Joel and Crow ponder if it is a good idea.

Segment Three: Servo calls Gypsy to ask her out and completely screws it up. Gypsy finally agrees, if Servo promises to leave when she tells him she wants to go.

Segment Four: Tom and Gypsy go to a scavenger sale arranged by Joel and Crow. Tom checks in with Joel, who gets carried away making sandwiches. Crow makes a move on Gypsy while Tom is gone.

Segment Five: Servo thinks the date went over well, but a quick call to Gypsy reveals she just wants to be friends. Tom doesn't take it very well as Joel reads a letter from a couple who sends the gang a wedding invitation. In Deep 13, Frank sees more of his life in the U-View, but ends up despairing over his love of Baywatch.

Stinger: "Ssssssssshut up!"

Other Notes

Guest Stars

• Assorted Baywatch characters (voices): Michael J. Nelson

Video Release

• Commercially released on DVD by Rhino Entertainment August 2006 as part of The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection: Volume 10, a 4-DVD set with Godzilla vs. Megalon, Teen-Age Strangler and The Giant Spider Invasion, the DVD was later pulled in October 2006 due to rights issues with Godzilla vs. Megalon. The DVD was later re-released as Volume 10.2 in February 2008, with The Giant Gila Monster replacing the Godzilla film, the DVD was pulled again in January 2010 due to Rhino no longer obtaining the rights to distribute Mst3k.

Obscure References

• "Oh wow, 'Mackenna's Gold' is on!"

Mackenna's Gold was a 1969 Western movie.

• "Goofus and Gallant?!"

Goofus and Gallant are two characters who regularly appear in the magazine Highlights for Children.

• "...and a human ear."

A reference to the David Lynch film Blue Velvet, whose plot is set into motion when Kyle MacLachlan's character discovers a severed ear in a field.

• "Oooh-oooh, Swamp Diamond..."

Joel is parodying the chorus from the Kiss song "Black Diamond".

• "Son of a gun, gonna have big fun!"

​Joel is quoting a line from the Hank Williams song Jambalaya (On the Bayou).

• "Pope Ed Asner!" "Let me kiss your ring, LOUUU."

Ed Asner was known for his role as Lou Grant on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Joel then does a very good impression of Ted Knight as Ted Baxter.

• "Why am I thinking of Joe Theismann?"

Joe Theismann was the quarterback for the Washington Redskins until he suffered a career-ending compound fracture during a 1985 game.

• "The Kids In The Hall escape from prison!"

​I'll go out on a limb and say they're referring to the Sizzler Sisters sketch(es). Definitely some of Foley and MacDonald's best moments... prick! (In any case, the Kids in the Hall are a Canadian comedy troupe known for frequently dressing in drag)

• "Do you think it's possible the people at Video Watchdog are wrong..."

Video Watchdog is a digest-sized film magazine.

• "Spanish moss in Andalusia..."

​Joel is slightly butchering the song Spanish Bombs by the Clash (London Calling, 1979, CBS records).

preceded by: Season 4		MST3K Season 5					followed by: Season 6
		1993 - 1994
501	Warrior of the Lost World	1993-07-24	509	The Girl in Lovers Lane	1993-09-18	517	Beginning of the End	1993-11-25
502	Hercules	1993-07-17	510	The Painted Hills	1993-09-26	518	The Atomic Brain	1993-12-04
503	Swamp Diamonds	1993-07-31	511	Gunslinger	1993-10-09	519	Outlaw	1993-12-11
504	Secret Agent Super Dragon	1993-08-07	512	Mitchell	1993-10-23	520	Radar Secret Service	1993-12-18
505	The Magic Voyage of Sinbad	1993-08-14	513	The Brain That Wouldn't Die	1993-10-30	521	Santa Claus	1993-12-24
506	Eegah	1993-08-28	514	Teen-Age Strangler	1993-11-07	522	Teen-Age Crime Wave	1994-01-15
507	I Accuse My Parents	1993-09-04	515	The Wild Wild World of Batwoman	1993-11-13	523	Village of the Giants	1994-01-22
508	Operation Double 007	1993-09-11	516	Alien from L.A.	1993-11-20	524	12 to the Moon	1994-02-05