MST3K 503 - Swamp Diamonds

503 - Swamp Diamonds
Air/Release Date	July 31, 1993
MST3K Director	Joel Hodgson
Turkey Day(s)	November 24, 1994, 2pm
AKA	Cruel Swamp Swamp Women
Movie Director	Roger Corman
Year	1956
Cast	Beverly Garland Carole Mathews Mike ("Touch") Connors Marie Windsor Susan Cummings
Short	What to Do on a Date
Short Director	Ted Peshak
Year	1950
Cast	Robert Casey
Preceded by	502 - Hercules
Followed by	504 - Secret Agent Super Dragon

“	Great, this is like having your mom tell you about sex...	”
	- Joel

The Short

Synopsis

Nick wants to take Kay out on a date, but isn't sure what they'd do. The short offers ideas like taffy pulls and scavenger sales. Ultimately, all the kids have a wholesome good time.

Information

• This short was included on Shorts Vol 2, released by Rhino Entertainment on VHS in October 1999, and on DVD as part of The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection: Volume 3, a four-DVD set with The Side Hackers, The Unearthly and The Atomic Brain.

The Movie

Main article: Swamp Diamonds (film)

Synopsis

Swamp Diamonds

A plucky policewoman infiltrates a group of hardened female criminals who are planning to break jail and retrieve their loot of diamonds from its swampy hiding place. Complications arise when the women abduct Connors and begin fighting each other.

The Episode

Host Segments

The U-View

Prologue: The Bots recreate the "Spock in Love" scene from the Star Trek episode "This Side of Paradise" instead of helping Joel crunch numbers.

Segment One (Invention Exchange): Joel finally snaps the Bots out of it. The Mads have invented the U-View, a TV that lets you see what you'd be doing if you weren't at home watching TV. Joel and the Bots present the Andrew Lloyd Weber grill, which they gleefully use to burn the scores to Cats, Phantom of the Opera, and Evita, as well as Chess and Annie, even though Webber didn't write those last two.

The Andrew Lloyd Weber Grill

Segment Two: Tom, inspired by the short, wants to date Gypsy. Joel and Crow ponder if it is a good idea.

Segment Three: Servo calls Gypsy to ask her out and completely bungles it. Gypsy finally agrees, if Servo promises to leave when she tells him she wants to go.

Tom tries dating Gypsy

Segment Four: Tom and Gypsy go to a scavenger sale arranged by Joel and Crow. Tom checks in with Joel, who gets carried away making sandwiches. Crow makes a move on Gypsy while Tom is gone.

Segment Five: Servo thinks the date went over well, but a quick call to Gypsy reveals she just wants to be friends. Tom doesn't take it very well as Joel reads a letter from a couple who sends the gang a wedding invitation. In Deep 13, Frank sees more of his life in the U-View, but ends up despairing over his love of Baywatch.

Stinger: "Ssssssssshut up!"

MST3K cast

Regular cast

• Joel Hodgson - Joel Robinson
• Trace Beaulieu - Crow T. Robot / Dr. Clayton Forrester
• Kevin Murphy - Tom Servo
• Frank Conniff - TV's Frank
• Jim Mallon - Gypsy
• Mary Jo Pehl - Magic Voice

Guest cast

• Michael J. Nelson - Assorted Baywatch characters (voices)

Trivia

• This episode aired tenth during Turkey Day '94.
• This was the earliest of the films directed by Roger Corman to be used on Mystery Science Theater 3000. One of his previous films - Day the World Ended - was used in MST3K: The Home Game.

Goofs

• In the original Star Trek episode Spock never says "I'm not going back, Jim", so Tom and Crow's recreation is somewhat inaccurate.
• Just after Joel reads the letter in the final host segment, the yellow "Commercial Sign" light turns on and off briefly, followed by the red light, indicating the Mads are calling to end the episode.

Callbacks

• “To be like the Cor-Man…” (Robot Monster)
• "Shut up, Iris!" (The Beatniks)

Obscure References

• "Aunt Dan and Lemon are calling."

Aunt Dan and Lemon is a 1985 play by Wallace Shawn that deals with anti-authoritarian themes.

• "Oh wow, Mackenna's Gold is on!"

Mackenna's Gold is a 1969 Western movie which starred Gregory Peck.

• "EEEEE EEEEE EEEE EEE EEEE..."

A reference to the score of the Alfred Hitchcock classic Psycho, suggested by the way the shot resembles the scene in Psycho where private investigator Milton Arbogast (played by Martin Balsam from Mitchell) is murdered as he comes up a set of stairs, and probably also by the generally creepy, uncomfortable mood of that scene.

• "Goofus and Gallant?!"

Goofus and Gallant are two characters who served as examples of bad-and-good (respectively) behavior in a regular feature in the magazine Highlights for Children.

• "...and a human ear."

A reference to the David Lynch film Blue Velvet, whose plot is set into motion when Kyle MacLachlan's character discovers a severed ear in a field.

• "Oooh-oooh, Swamp Diamond..."

Joel is parodying the chorus from the Kiss song "Black Diamond".

• "Son of a gun, gonna have big fun!"

​Joel is quoting a line from the Hank Williams song "Jambalaya (On the Bayou)".

• "Pope Ed Asner!" "Let me kiss your ring, LOUUU."

Ed Asner was known for his role as Lou Grant on The Mary Tyler Moore Show and a subsequent eponymous-named spin-off. Joel then does an impression of Ted Knight as Ted Baxter.

• "Lick it up, lick it up, lick it like a piece of cake..."

A reference to the Kiss song "Lick It Up" (recorded during the brief, and lamentable, period in which they did not wear makeup).

• "Why am I thinking of Joe Theismann?"

Joe Theismann was the quarterback for the Washington Redskins until he suffered a career-ending compound fracture during a 1985 game.

• "The Kids in the Hall escape from prison!"

​The Kids in the Hall are an all-male Canadian sketch comedy troupe. They are often identified by their practice of dressing as women to play the female characters in their sketches (though they are hardly the only sketch troupe to have done this).

• "Do you think it's possible the people at Video Watchdog are wrong..."

Video Watchdog is a digest-sized film magazine.

• "Spanish moss in Andalusia..."

​Joel is slightly butchering the song "Spanish Bombs" by the Clash (London Calling, 1979, CBS records).

• "Beverly can sure handle a Johnson can't she?"

A double entendre as Beverly Garland is handling an outboard motor. Crow compares the name of Johnson Evinrude Outboard Motors to a more dirty meaning for the name "Johnson."

• "Peace on Earth was all it said...."

Lyrics from the song "One Tin Soldier"; originally created by the Canadian pop group The Original Caste and later covered by Coven for the movie Billy Jack.

• "But Santa? Why are you stealing my gun? Why? Why?"

Parodying and slightly misquoting from How the Grinch Stole Christmas when the Grinch is spotted by Cindy Lou Who as he tries to steal her Christmas tree.

• "The last thing she did was kill a snake." "You don't need Andrea Dworkin to figure that one out."

In her book Intercourse, feminist author Andrea Dworkin was said to have been equating all heterosexual sex with rape (though she denied that interpretation herself.) The reference here is a sly wink to the not-too-subtle sexual tensions and undercurrents running through this movie.

• "She's got her in a Mark Eden..."

The Mark Eden bust developer was a mail-order exercise regimen and device that was marketed in women's magazines in the 1960s and 70s.

Video Release

• Commercially released on DVD by Rhino Entertainment August 2006 as part of The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection: Volume 10, a 4-DVD set with Godzilla vs. Megalon, Teen-Age Strangler and The Giant Spider Invasion, the DVD was later pulled in October 2006 due to rights issues with Godzilla vs. Megalon. The DVD was later re-released as Volume 10.2 in February 2008, with The Giant Gila Monster replacing the Godzilla film, the DVD was pulled again in January 2010 due to Rhino no longer obtaining the rights to distribute MST3K.
  • Re-released in March 2019 by Shout! Factory.
    • DVD includes a special feature showing 4 minutes of Rhino DVD menus for the four movies in the set.

preceded by: Season 4		MST3K Season 5					followed by: Season 6
		1993 - 1994
501	Warrior of the Lost World	1993-07-24	509	The Girl in Lovers Lane	1993-09-18	517	Beginning of the End	1993-11-25
502	Hercules	1993-07-17	510	The Painted Hills	1993-09-26	518	The Atomic Brain	1993-12-04
503	Swamp Diamonds	1993-07-31	511	Gunslinger	1993-10-09	519	Outlaw	1993-12-11
504	Secret Agent Super Dragon	1993-08-07	512	Mitchell	1993-10-23	520	Radar Secret Service	1993-12-18
505	The Magic Voyage of Sinbad	1993-08-14	513	The Brain That Wouldn't Die	1993-10-30	521	Santa Claus	1993-12-24
506	Eegah	1993-08-28	514	Teen-Age Strangler	1993-11-07	522	Teen-Age Crime Wave	1994-01-15
507	I Accuse My Parents	1993-09-04	515	The Wild Wild World of Batwoman	1993-11-13	523	Village of the Giants	1994-01-22
508	Operation Double 007	1993-09-11	516	Alien from L.A.	1993-11-20	524	12 to the Moon	1994-02-05