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Swamp Diamonds

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503 - Swamp Diamonds
Air Date July 31, 1993
MST3K Director Joel Hodgson
AKA Cruel Swamp;
Swamp Women
Movie Director Roger Corman
Year 1955
Cast Beverly Garland
Carole Mathews
Mike ("Touch") Connors
Short What to Do on a Date
Year 1950
Preceded by 502 - Hercules
Followed by 504 - Secret Agent Super Dragon

Great, this is like having your mom tell you about sex...
  — Joel

The Short



Nick wants to take Kay out on a date, but isn't sure what they'd do. The short offers ideas like taffy pulls and scavenger sales. Nothing says romantic quite like a scavenger sale. Ultimately, all the kids have a wholesomely-celibate-vanilla-white-Eisenhower’s-America good time.


The Movie



Swamp Diamonds

A plucky police woman infiltrates a group of hardened female criminals who are planning to break jail and retrieve their loot of diamonds from its swampy hiding place. Complications arise when the women abduct Connors and begin fighting each other.[1]


  • Roger Corman's directorial debut.
  • The male lead, "Touch" Connors, would go on to greater success after changing his name and working as Mike Connors. He would star in the oft-references TV series Mannix. His birth name was Krekor Ohanian.

The Episode

Host Segments


The U-View

Prologue: The Bots recreate the "Spock in Love" scene from the Star Trek episode "This Side of Paradise" instead of helping Joel crunch numbers.

Segment One (Invention Exchange): Joel finally snaps the Bots out of it. The Mads have The U-View, a TV that lets you see what you'd be doing if you weren't at home watching TV. Joel and the Bots come up with the Andrew Lloyd Webber grill, which they gleefully use to burn the scores to Cats, Phantom of the Opera, and Evita, as well as Chess and Annie, even though he didn't write those.

The Andrew Lloyd Webber Grill

Segment Two: Tom, inspired by the short, wants to date Gypsy. Joel and Crow ponder if it is a good idea.

Segment Three: Servo calls Gypsy to ask her out and completely bungles it. Gypsy finally agrees, if Servo promises to leave when she tells him she wants to go.

Tom tries dating Gypsy

Segment Four: Tom and Gypsy go to a scavenger sale arranged by Joel and Crow. Tom checks in with Joel, who gets carried away making sandwiches. Crow makes a move on Gypsy while Tom is gone.

Segment Five: Servo thinks the date went over well, but a quick call to Gypsy reveals she just wants to be friends. Tom doesn't take it very well as Joel reads a letter from a couple who sends the gang a wedding invitation. In Deep 13, Frank sees more of his life in the U-View, but ends up despairing over his love of Baywatch.

Stinger: "Ssssssssshut up!"

Other Notes

Guest Stars


Obscure References

  • "Oh wow, 'Mackenna's Gold' is on!"

Mackenna's Gold was a 1969 Western movie.

  • "Goofus and Gallant?!"

Goofus and Gallant are two characters who regularly appear in the magazine Highlights for Children.

  • "...and a human ear."

A reference to the David Lynch film Blue Velvet, whose plot is set into motion when Kyle MacLachlan's character discovers a severed ear in a field.

  • "Oooh-oooh, Swamp Diamond..."

Joel is parodying the chorus from the Kiss song "Black Diamond".

  • "Son of a gun, gonna have big fun!"

Joel is quoting a line from the Hank Williams song Jambalaya (On the Bayou).

  • "Pope Ed Asner!" "Let me kiss your ring, LOUUU."

Ed Asner was known for his role as Lou Grant on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Joel then does a very good impression of Ted Knight as Ted Baxter.

  • "Why am I thinking of Joe Theismann?"

Joe Theismann was the quarterback for the Washington Redskins until he suffered a career-ending compound fracture during a 1985 game.

  • "The Kids In The Hall escape from prison!"

The Kids in the Hall are an all-male Canadian sketch comedy troupe. They are often identified by their practice of dressing as women to play the female characters in their sketches (though they are hardly the only sketch troupe to have done this).

  • "Do you think it's possible the people at Video Watchdog are wrong..."

Video Watchdog is a digest-sized film magazine.

  • "Spanish moss in Andalusia..."

Joel is slightly butchering the song Spanish Bombs by the Clash (London Calling, 1979, CBS records).

  • "Beverly can sure handle a "Johnson" can't she?"

A double entendre as Beverly Garland is handling an outboard motor: to which Crow compares the name of Johnson Evinrude Outboard Motors to a more dirty meaning for the name "Johnson."

  • "Peace on Earth was all it said...."

Lyrics from the song One Tin Soldier; originally created by the Canadian pop group The Original Caste and later covered by Coven for the movie Billy Jack.

  • "But Santa? Why are you stealing my gun? Why? Why?"

Parodying and slightly misquoting from How the Grinch Stole Christmas when the Grinch is spotted by Cindy Lou Who as he tries to steal her Christmas tree.

Video Release

  • Commercially released on DVD by Rhino Entertainment August 2006 as part of The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection: Volume 10, a 4-DVD set with Godzilla vs. Megalon, Teen-Age Strangler and The Giant Spider Invasion, the DVD was later pulled in October 2006 due to rights issues with Godzilla vs. Megalon. The DVD was later re-released as Volume 10.2 in February 2008, with The Giant Gila Monster replacing the Godzilla film, the DVD was pulled again in January 2010 due to Rhino no longer obtaining the rights to distribute MST3K.

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