|“||"Every time I meet a man, he's either gay or a bear."||”|
SynopsisThe lovely, humble Nastenka is despised by her stepmother who favors her own mean-spirited and ugly daughter, Marfushka, and her meek father is powerless to stop her. After forcing Nastenka to knit socks before the rooster crows (with Nastenka ultimately imploring the sun to go down again so she can have more time), Nastenka's stepmother gives Nastenka the tasks of feeding the chickens, watering the cattle, splitting wood, and sweeping the yard. We are then introduced to Ivan, who, finishing his chores, heads out into the woods after receiving some final words of guidance from his mother, such as not forgetting his mother, not harming the weak, and honoring those who are old. To all these pieces of advice Ivan off-handedly replies "Don't worry" repeatedly.
The story then cuts to a group of bandits in the middle of a version of "she loves me, she loves me not" replaced with the phrases "we will rob them, we will not rob them/we will eat them, we won't eat them/we will beat them, we will be beaten." While traveling in the woods, Ivan is accosted by these bandits. He quickly distracts them and tosses their wooden clubs so high in the air that he claims they won't fall down again until winter. Later, Ivan meets the elderly Starichok-Borovichok (eng. The Little Old Man - the Little Boletus) (Mikhail Yanshin), who playfully challenges Ivan to try and catch him, offering a prize if he does. Being able to turn invisible, Starichok-Borovichok soon wins, and offers a contrite Ivan the prize anyway - a fine bow and quiver of arrows. However, when asked to bow before him in gratitude, Ivan boastfully declares "The bear may bow before you, but not Ivan" and leaves. Starichok-Borovichok remarks that the bear will indeed bow before him, but it would be Ivan's back that would bend.
Later, Ivan comes across Nastenka in the woods, ordered to pour water on a stump to make flowers grow in it. Taken by her beauty, he immediately asks her to marry him, citing his fine health and many accomplishments. She demurs, noting that he is too much of a braggart. Eager to prove his worth, he attempts to shoot a mother bear with her cubs. Starichok-Borovichok is watching nearby, and as the panicked Nastenka puts her water bucket on his head, he changes Ivan's head into a bear. Horrified at the change, Ivan accuses Nastenka of being a witch and runs off, leaving her to sorrowfully weep alone by the stump, her tears causing flowers to grow from it.Wandering the land, Ivan comes across Starichok-Borovichok again, who scolds Ivan over his selfish nature, and how he never acted selflessly for anyone else. Thinking that all he must do to change back is a good deed, Ivan immediately seeks out people, demanding to know how he can help them; having a bear's head only terrifies them, however, and they all flee from him. He finally comes across an old woman carrying sticks to her home and offers to carry her, despite the distance being over many mountains. Arriving at her home, the woman thanks Ivan, noting how handsome he must be; though Ivan notes he is still a bear and thinks she is mocking him, she explains that she is blind - which is why she didn't run from him. Returning to the woods where he and Nastenka first met, Ivan comes across the old woman's walking stick and takes pity on her, vowing to return it. Nearby, Starichok-Borovichok is pleased at his selflessness and restores Ivan to human form. The stick then vanishes.Meanwhile, the evil stepmother is trying to marry off Marfushka. After dressing her up in fine clothes, covering her in makeup and attaching a false braid on to Marfushka's head, she forces Nastenka to wear a rag over her head and puts mud on her face to make her ugly. A wealthy suitor comes and asks Marfushka, who has never done a day's work in her life, to prepare a meal for him. While chasing geese into a pond, Marfushka nearly drowns until she is rescued by Nastenka. In the process, Marfushka's braid and makeup wash away and Nastenka's beauty is revealed. The suitor and his mother choose Nastenka for a bride instead. The mother can't have this, so she orders her husband to go drop Nastenka off in the woods. On the way, the father decides he's had enough of his wife's bullying and vows to bring Nastenka back home. Believing her stepmother will be even crueler to him for doing so, Nastenka jumps off the back of his sleigh. There, she comes across Morozko bringing winter to the woods. Touched by her kindness and unselfishness, he rescues her from freezing to death and brings her to his home.
Ivan is searching for Nastenka, now that he's fully human again. He comes across Baba-Yaga, whom he pleads for aid to find Nastenka. She flatly refuses to help, and after a short battle of wills with her moving house (which the old woman loses), she animates a group of trees to kill Ivan. After nearly being cooked alive, Ivan tricks her and threatens to bake the witch in her own oven until she tells him how to find Nastenka. After he leaves, the angry Baba-Yaga sends her black cat to cause Nastenka's death before Ivan can reach her. The enchanted sled sent by the Baba-Yaga to show Ivan the way to Nastenka leaves him trapped in a snowbank. While Father Frost is running some errands, the cat tricks Nastenka into accidentally touching his staff, which freezes her forever. Nastenka's father and her dog sense that she is in trouble. The stepmother and Marfushka prevent him from leaving, but the dog escapes and rescues Ivan from freezing in the snow. They both arrive at Morozko's home to find her frozen. Ivan pleads for forgiveness for his behavior towards her. The power of love trumps the staff's power, and she is restored. To celebrate, Morozko gives Nastenka and Ivan a large dowry of jewels and a horse-driven sleigh for their impending nuptials.
They return to the village, where the father welcomes Ivan as his son-in-law but the stepmother becomes jealous and the greedy Marfushka eyes their fortune and demands the same. Unfortunately for her, when Marfushka tries to duplicate Nastenka's adventure in the snowbound forest, Morozko is so horrified by her rudeness that he sends her back on a pig-driven sleigh, with a box full of crows as a dowry. With the stepmother humiliated in front of the entire village after bragging that she would return with countless treasure, the father is able to stand up for himself and regain his place as head of the household. On their way to Ivan's home, he and Nastenka are accosted by the bandits he'd encountered before, this time with help from Baba-Yaga. After being overpowered, they are saved when the clubs from earlier fall conveniently on the bandits' heads, and they trap the witch in her own giant mortar. Nastenka and Ivan have a sumptuous wedding, and live happily ever after. 
- Mike and the bots riff "But I'm nine!" for the part when Ivan proposes to Nastenka - and indeed the actress does look young. The actress Natalya Sedykh was born in 1948 and so she was 16 or 17 when she filmed this movie.
- The film is a mish-mash of various Slavic fairy tales and folklore, often omitting huge portions of the original stories in order to place certain characters or scenes into specific places within the movie. The "hunchback fairy" is actually a depiction of the infamous Baba Yaga, probably one of the most iconic villains from Eastern European folk stories.
- Prologue: Michael Nelson is Lord of The Dance! With his footwork hidden behind the console Gypsy is underwhelmed.
- Segment 1: With Pearl away (on her mission to return the Space Children to their parents), Brain Guy and Bobo argue about who's going to be in charge. Brain Guy teleports Mike down to help arbitrate. Brain Guy complains about Bobo's disgusting hygiene needs while Bobo counters that Brain Guy had B.O. Brain Guy is shocked to discover that he does in, in fact, have body odor despite not having a body. Mike uses Brain Guy's embarrassment to fast talk him into watching the movie on the Satellite of Love. Brain Guy teleports Mike back into his rightful place just before the movie starts.
- Segment 2: In order to better explain the cultural context of the movie, Crow brings in Russian-American standup comic "Yakov Smirnoff" (Patrick Brantseg) on the Hexfield. His tired 80's humor about the USSR goes over poorly. Finding out how much of Mike's money Crow spent to get Yakov on the hexfield gives Mike an ulcer on the spot.
- Segment 3: Crow gets turned into a bear. Meanwhile Brain Guy and Bobo have found an uneasy peace. Eventually they find common ground for conversation discussing how awful Pearl is. Back on the Satellite of Love Crow has partially eaten Tom Servo. Mike scolds him for taking his bear simulations to the extreme.
- Segment 4: Crow finds an even worse person than Yakov Smirnoff to be his expert on Russian culture: a sausage wholesaler who doesn't even address them directly.
- Final Segment: Tom puts on a dress, glues large eyes to his dome and attempts to be cute. Unfortunately his cute manner of speech makes him impossible to comprehend. Bobo and Brain guy get drunk and begin to argue about which is the best ape movie ever made. They bring Mike down to settle the argument. Pearl returns with her own opinion on the ape movie issue.
- Stinger: "Bring on my fiance!"
- The last episode in which Gypsy was played by Jim Mallon.
- Ranked 20th in the Top 100 Episodes as chosen by backers of the Bring Back MST3K Kickstarter.
Quotes & References
- "These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee."
- Alan Smithee was a traditional name used by directors who wanted to disavow any connection with a movie they had worked on.
- "Hey ho, Tom Bombadillo!"
- Tom Bombadil is a character in J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings who lives in the woods. When he is first introduced to readers, he is singing a song in which he refers to himself as "Tom Bombabdil-o" (in order to make it rhyme).
- "Hey, Tom Petty."
- Tom Petty is an American singer, songwriter and musician. The actress playing evil stepsister Mafushka bears a strong resemblance to Petty.
- "It's all right if you love me..."
- First line of the Tom Petty song "Breakdown." The lyrics are here.
- "Hey, listen. It's Spock in really fast motion!"
- This is a reference to a major plot point in the Star Trek episode "Wink of an Eye".
- "Ah, Roseanne."
- Reference to Roseanne Barr (also known, at various times, as Roseanne Arnold or simply as Roseanne), an American actress and comedian best known for her portrayal of plus-sized housewife/blue-colllar worker Roseanne Conner in the sitcom Roseanne.
- "Great, I'll bet Pippi Longstocking's in this."
- Pippi Longstocking is the lead character in a series of children's books by Swedish author Astrid Lindgren. The reference seems to be due to Pippi's ubiquity in films and TV and a mistaken idea that Lindgren's books were set in Finland, rather than Sweden.
- "Is this a biopic of Holly Hobbie?"
- Holly Hobbie is an American writer and artist. Her most famous creation - a little girl with a large bonnet wearing a long, quasi-nineteenth century patchwork dress - is named for her.
- "I'm a domestic goddess."
- From Roseanne Barr: "I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess."
- "The moon is out, there's plenty of light..." "Chernobyl's on fire, it's great!"
- On April 26, 1986, a reactor exploded at the Chernobyl nuclear power plant. Subsequent explosions and a fire sent a radioactive plume of fallout--four hundred times that released by the bombing of Hiroshima--over much of Russia, Ukraine and Belarus, as well as large portions of northern, western and eastern Europe. It was the worst nuclear power plant disaster in history.
- "Back into Harpo's chest."
- Reference to the Marx brothers' movie, Duck Soup (1933). According to The Cut Worm, there's "a scene in which Pinky (Harpo) shows Firefly (Groucho) his tattoos. Firefly asks Pinky where he lives, and Pinky opens his shirt to show the tattoo of a doghouse on his chest. The camera moves in close to Pinky’s chest and suddenly the head of a dog emerges from the doghouse, and it barks."
- "This is the factory where they make Beanie Babies."
- Beanie Babies were small collectible plush animals that were popular in the mid-to-late 1990s.
- "Jack Klugman!"
- Jack Klugman was an American actor of stage, screen and TV. He is best known for his roles as chronic slob Oscar Madison in the long-running TV sitcom The Odd Couple and the titular medical examiner on Quincy, M.E.
- "M is for the many times you beat me. O is for the other times you beat me..."
- Parody of an old song by lyricist Howard Johnson (1887-1941) and musician Theodore Morse(1873-1924) called "M-O-T-H-E-R (A Word That Means the World to Me). There appear to be several versions of it. Here are the complete lyrics:
- M is for the million things she gives me
- O means only that she's soft to hold
- T for the things she tries to teach me
- H is for her heart of purest gold
- E for her eyes with love light shining
- R means right, and right she'll always be--
- Put them all together they spell 'Mother,'
- A word that means the world to me.
- "Don't come around here no more..."
- First line of the Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers song "Don't Come Around Here No More." The lyrics are here.
- "Awww, Penny Marshall was an adorable child!"
- Penny Marshall is an American actress, producer and director. Her best-known on-screen role was as Laverne of the TV sitcom Laverne & Shirley.
- Surge is a soft drink that contains (at least in Norway, where it is still sold) 14.5 mg of caffeine. Hence, Tom Servo's comment when Nastinka knits Mafushka's socks at breakneck speed.
- "Danny Bonaduce IS Sleeping Beauty."
- Danny Bonaduce is a red-haired radio and TV personality, comedian, pro wrestler and actor. As a child actor, he was best known for his role as middle son Danny Partridge in the 1970-74 sitcom The Partridge Family.
- "As God is mah witness, Ah'll nevah go hungry again!"
- Slight misquote (and mimicry of) of the end of Scarlett O'Hara's climatic speech in Gone With The Wind (1939): "As God is my witness, as God is my witness, they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this, and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill--as God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again."
- "Boy, ah say, boy!"
- Quote from (and mimicry of) the pompous cartoon rooster, Foghorn Leghorn.
- "Mmm, Claratin-D!"
- Loratadine (which is marketed under a number of names, including Claratin-D) is an antihistamine that fights allergies. The ads for it often feature scenes of nature, such as beautiful meadows and sunrises.
- "Now I gotta keep stirring the sauce, deliver these guns to Jimmy..."
- Crow is summarizing a passage from Goodfellas in which Henry Hill (Ray Liotta) says: "I was cooking dinner. I had to start braising the beef and veal shanks for the tomato sauce. It was Michael's favorite. I was making ziti with gravy...roasted peppers...string beans with olive oil, and beautiful cutlets...that were cut just right...that I was going to fry up as an appetizer. So I was home for about an hour. My plan was to start dinner early so I could unload the guns Jimmy didn't want."
- "Or me, Jerry Quarry!"
- Jerry Quarry (1945-1999) was a champion heavyweight boxer during the late 1960s. He won the National Golden Gloves award in 1965, when he was nineteen.
- "The Ozark Mountain Daredevils plan their next album."
- The Ozark Mountain Daredevils were a 1970s Southern rock band known for their long hair and beards.
- "Ivanushka! Try me on a Plazaburger!"
- The Plazaburger is a hamburger served at the Plaza Tavern in Madison, Wisconsin. It's a hamburger with secret sauce on a long wheat bun. Anything else (like lettuce, tomatoes or mushrooms) has to be requested separately and costs extra.
- "Yeah, that looks like Crazy Horse!"
- A reference to a monument to the Lakota warrior Crazy Horse being carved out of Thunderhead Mountain in South Dakota. The monument has been under construction since 1948, and is nowhere near finished.
- "Am I Kirok?"
- A reference to the Star Trek episode "The Paradise Syndrome" in which Captian Kirk forgets who is, joins a primitive tribe and declares "I am Kirok!"
- "Norman, the loons! Kill them!"
- A parody of a line from On Golden Pond. The actual line, spoken by Norman's wife, Ethel, is: "Come here, Norman. Hurry up. The loons! The loons! They're welcoming us back."
- "The minute you walked in the joint, ba-dum."
- This is a line from "Big Spender", a hit song from the Broadway musical Sweet Charity.
- "Do I look like Simon Le Bon?"
- "I have no time to speak to you. I've got to work!" "I'm a welder by day and a dancer by night!"
- An allusion to the 1983 movie Flashdance, in which the heroine, Alex Owens (played by Jennifer Beals), is indeed a welder in a steel mill by day and a dancer in a bar by night.
- Nastinka:"My name is Nastya." Ivan: "Nastya?" Servo: "Miss Jackson, if you're nasty!"
- Servo is quoting from Janet Jackson's song, "Nasty", which has the line, "My first name ain't baby, it's Janet, Miss Jackson if you're nasty!"
- "She looks like a Grey."
- Greys are allegedly small extraterrestrials with pale or grey skin, large heads and big eyes.
- (A piano riff plays, and Father Mushroom appears.) "Paul Williams!"
- Paul Williams (born September 19, 1940) is an award-winning pianist, singer, composer, lyricist, and actor. He's also known for being very short.
- Was her bucket full of Rogaine?"
- Rogaine is the brand name for minoxidil. It's sold as a cure for baldness/a hair restorer.
- "Damn it, Puck, this time you've gone too far!"
- Either a reference to Shakeseare's character Puck from "A Midsummer Night's Dream", who transforms another character's head into that of a donkey (a clear parallel to Father Mushroom's Bear-Head magic on the protagonist) or possibly the Puck who was a cast member on the reality show The Real World and was noted for contentious and obnoxious behavior.
- "I've got to go find a pic-a-nic basket!"
- Allusion to the Hanna-Barbera cartoon character, Yogi Bear, who lives in Jellystone Park and survives by stealing picnic baskets from campers and tourists...which he always pronounces "pic-a-nic baskets."
- "Ivanushka!" "We have to register at Club Wedd!"
- Club Wedd is the wedding registry for Target, a chain of discount department stores.
- "Tonight, on a very special Grizzly Adams..."
- The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams was an NBC TV series which ran from March 2, 1977 to December 19, 1978. It told the story of a mountain man who had fled to the wilderness after being falsely accused of murder. His constant companion was an adult grizzly bear named Ben - hence his nickname.
- "With Retsin. With Retsin. Again, with Retsin. Retsin."
- Crow is making fun of the Sparkling Teeth ads for Certs.
- "She shouldn't cry. There's always Jerry Lee Lewis or Jerry Seinfeld or Ben Kingsley.
- Jerry Lee Lewis's third wife, Myra Gale Brown, was the daughter of Lewis's first cousin. She married Lewis in December 1957, when he was 23 and she was 13. When in his late thirties, Jerry Seinfeld began dating then-seventeen-year-old Shoshanna Lonstein. Ben Kingsley dated women appreciably younger than him for a while, though there is little evidence that any of them were underage.
- "...get me some French-fried potaters, mmmm..."
- An impression of Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade.
- "From the land of sky-blue waters..."
- The jingle from a Hamm's Beer commercial from the 1950s.
- Beggar: "Charity, dear little sisters, dear little brothers, charity. Dear little sisters, dear little brothers, charity. Give us alms, for without us you could not prove your charity--" Crow: "Oh, great, Shakespeare in the park."
- Shakespeare in the Park is the common name for performances of Shakespeare in Central Park in the summer. The performances are done by repertory companies, and are available to the public for free. Crow makes the comment because the beggar sounds like he's reciting a formal speech rather than begging passers-by for money so that he can eat.
- Ivan: "*sigh* What kind of a good deed will I have to do?" Crow (singing): What kind of bear am I?"
- Crow is singing to the tune of "What Kind of Fool Am I?", a song written in 1962 by Leslie Bricusse (born 29 January 1931) and Anthony Newley (1931-1999). It closes Act One in the musical Stop the World -- I Want to Get Off. Crow's comment is particularly clever in that it not only highlights Ivan's melodramatic behavior but also comments on Ivan's personality, for the first two lines of the song are What kind of fool am I, who never fell in love?/It seems that I'm the only one I have been thinking of. Which is true--Ivan is only trying to do good deeds so that he'll be human again. He IS the only one he's thinking of.
- Crow: "Why is she putting Bisquick on her face?"
- Bisquick is a brand of baking mix put out by Betty Crocker. It was originally marketed as a quick way to make biscuits--hence the name--but it is now sold as a basis for a variety of foods, one of the most popular being pancakes.
- Mike (mimicking Nastya): "Why are you so mean to me, Tante Ernest Borgnine?"
- Ernest Borgnine (born January 24, 1917) is an Academy-award-winning American actor best known for his performances in movies and on TV. Mike says this because the actress portraying the evil stepmother looks a bit like a fifty-ish Ernest Borgnine in a babushka.
- Mafushka:"Mama--" Servo (mimicking her): Don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys!"
- "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys" is a country song written by Ed Bruce and Patty Bruce, and popularized by a duet version sung by Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson in 1978.
- "Alfalfa's greatest role."
- Carl Switzer (1927-1959) was a child actor who played the nerdy young romantic Alfalfa in the Our Gang short comedies from 1935 to 1940. The comment is probably made because Mafushka, like Alfalfa, is playing someone who doesn't look like she belongs in a romantic role at all.
- "It's like having Andrea Dworkin make you over!"
- Andrea Dworkin was a radical feminist writer whose critics frequently accused her of demonizing the entire male gender and claiming that all heterosexual intercourse was tantamount to rape.
- Stepmother (to Mafushka):"No, not a princess. You are a queen." Mike:"In that you look like Freddie Mercury."
- Freddie Mercury (1946-1991) was a British singer, songwriter, pianist and keyboard player, most famous as the lead singer for the band Queen.
- (As an old woman climbs on the back of the transformed Ivan) Crow: "It's Light Bear Transit!"
- Light rail transit is a kind of public transportation that, to quote Wikipedia, "generally has a lower capacity and lower speed than heavy rail and metro systems, but higher capacity and higher speed than traditional street-running tram systems." There really is something called Bear Transit; it's the bus system for the University of California at Berkeley.
- (At the sight of a roasted pig with an apple in its mouth) Servo (begins sobbing):"Babe!"
- Babe, a likable pig who herds sheep, is the lead character in the Dick King-Smith book, The Sheep-Pig, the film Babe (1995) which was based on the book, and the sequel Babe: Pig in the City(1998).
- (describing Mafushka's prospective bridegroom and his mother) "Larry Drake and Vanessa Redgrave."
- Larry Drake is an American actor best known for playing the developmentally disabled Benny Stulwicz on L.A. Law from 1987 to 1994. The reference to the British actress Redgrave is more obscure. It may refer to her having portrayed women in a number of costume dramas, or to her 1994 role in Little Odessa (in which she plays the mother of a hit man for the Russia mafia).
- "Someday I'll be a REAL boy."
- Mafushka's being compared to Pinocchio because of her masculine appearance, the bright red circles on her cheeks that would look more appropriate on a clown or a puppet, and the fact that she's already planning on lying to her prospective bridegroom.
- "She makes Olivia Hussey look like Thelma Ritter."
- Both were actresses: Hussey(born April 17, 1951) is a dramatic actress well-known for her early role as Juliet Capulet in Franco Zeffirelli's 1968 version of Romeo and Juliet, played when Hussey was about seventeen, while Ritter (1902-1969) was a middle-aged character actress best known for her comedy work (pictured here, at right, with Doris Day in the 1959 movie Pillow Talk).
- "There's still one thing I have to do." "Join the band Nelson!"
- A reference to the pop-metal band Nelson, fronted by Ricky Nelson's twin sons, Matthew and Gunnar. They were known for their long, straight blond hair.
- "This is an Earth First! fantasy."
- Earth First! is a radical environmentalist group.
- "Hello, Mrs. Non-Gorilla."
- Impersonation of a Pepperpot (man in drag playing an old lady) from Monty Python's Flying Circus, in particular from a sketch in which several pairs of women were named Mrs X and Mrs Non-X.
- "Robert Mapplethorpe's Strega Nona."
- Photographer Robert Mapplethorpe was known for the sadomasochistic content of his work. Strega Nona is a children's book about a witch who takes on a dim-witted helper.
- "Bob Keeshan is Mr. Natural."
- Bob Keeshan played Captain Kangaroo, a children's TV host with a pageboy-style haircut. Mr. Natural was an alternative comics character with a long white beard (not to be confused with Mr. B Natural...).
- "At least a Mr. Yuk sticker."
Mr. Yuk is a green grimacing face that may be used as an alternative to the skull-and-crossbones for labeling hazardous materials.
- "It's the Crystal Cathedral North."
- The Crystal Cathedral is a megachurch in Garden Grove, California founded by televangelist Robert Schuller.
- "Won't you please forgive me?" "And my A-Ha! hairdo?" "Please..." "Take on me...take me on..."
- Ivan's hairdo is being compared to the new wave hair stlying of Morten Harket, lead singer of the 80's group A-Ha! Tom then starts reciting lyrics from their biggest hit and all-around 80's pop staple, "Take On Me".
- "Classic case of Munchausen by proxy syndrome!"
- Munchausen by proxy syndrome is a psychiatric disorder in which a person feigns (or induces) illness on another person's part in order to gain sympathy.
- "It's a Mrs. Creosote!"
- Mr. Creosote was a gluttonous character in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life.
- [Title card is shown.]
- Servo: ...could eat no... frost.
- [Nastenka has to knit some socks before the sun rises.]
- Mike: So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys!
- [As two characters command a house to turn from one side to another]
- Crow: Come to Knott's Berry Farm and ride the unstable house.
- [Russian names are on the screen.]
- Mike: These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee.
- [The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]
- Nastenka: Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun!
- Servo [as Sun]: And you are…?
- Nastenka: Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid.
- Mike [as Sun]: [beeps] This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume…
- [The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]
- Servo: Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's fine; you knit your sock.
- . . .
- Nastenka: Thank you, rosy-fingered Dawn!
- Mike [as Mafia don]: Some day you'll return the favor...
- [The camera pans to several different chickens calling.]
- Crow: This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast Chicken.
- Servo: Man, Peter must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning.
- [Ivan plays hide-and-seek with the gnomish Father Mushroom.]
- Mike: Frodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.
- . . .
- Crow: If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape!
- [The flowers Nastenka was watering quickly grow and resemble fiber-optic cables.]
- Crow: The KGB has her under surveillance!
- [Father Mushroom disappears in a cloud of smoke.]
- Servo: Whoa! [I] didn't think they had many landmines left in Narnia!
- [The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a Matryoshka doll.]
- Stepmother: Nope! Not a princess.
- Servo: She's got that healthy clown glow.
- Marfushka: Oh, no?
- Stepmother: You are a queen!
- Mike: In that you look like Freddie Mercury.
- [The Hunchback Fairy has placed Ivan on a wooden server and is preparing to put him in her oven.]
- Ivan: Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry!
- Fairy: Are you afraid?
- Ivan: Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel!
- Mike [as Ivan]: ...the flat part, anyway.
- Crow: So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is just nuttier than all get-out?
- [Nastenka accidentally touches Grandfather Frost's sceptre]
- Frost's Voice: Whoever touches my sceptre... will never wake up again.
- Crow: Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely!
- [While Nastenka's stepparents are in their home, someone offscreen announces an arrival...]
- Random Unknown Voice: Look who's here!
- Servo: Thank you, Anonymous Voice!
- [Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.]
- Crow: It's a three-pig open sleigh!
- Servo: On Wilbur! On Gordy! On Babe!
- [The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.]
- Servo: It's…
- Mike: It's…
- Crow: It's… a convention of Michael Palin imitators!
- . . .
- Crow: It's the Seven Dwarves! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc.
- [Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee]
- Hunchback Fairy: My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it!
- Crow: Well, maybe you should have diversified more!
Video ReleaseCommercially released on DVD by Shout Factory in July 2010 as part of The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection: Volume 18, a 4-DVD set with Lost Continent, Crash of Moons, and The Beast of Yucca Flats.
|preceded by: Season 7||MST3K Season 8||followed by: Season 9|
|801||Revenge of the Creature||1997-02-01||809||I Was a Teenage Werewolf||1997-04-19||817||The Horror of Party Beach||1997-08-16|
|802||The Leech Woman||1997-02-08||810||The Giant Spider Invasion||1997-05-31||818||Devil Doll||1997-10-04|
|803||The Mole People||1997-02-15||811||Parts: The Clonus Horror||1997-06-07||819||Invasion of the Neptune Men||1997-10-11|
|804||The Deadly Mantis||1997-02-22||812||The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies||1997-06-14||820||Space Mutiny||1997-11-07|
|805||The Thing That Couldn't Die||1997-03-01||813||Jack Frost||1997-07-12||821||Time Chasers||1997-11-22|
|806||The Undead||1997-03-08||814||Riding with Death||1997-07-19||822||Overdrawn at the Memory Bank||1997-12-06|
|807||Terror from the Year 5000||1997-03-15||815||Agent for H.A.R.M.||1997-08-02|
|808||The She-Creature||1997-04-05||816||Prince of Space||1997-08-16|