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If Chauffeurs Ruled the World

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"If Chauffeurs Ruled the World" is a song from the episode Ring of Terror.


[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Man, that was such an ordeal. What a cruel trick, making us watch a whole other movie again.

CROW: Yeah, with each episode that Phantom Creeps gets more and more RIDICULOUS!

TOM: Yeah, I know. Who did that chauffeur think he was, thinking he could rule the world?

CROW: Yeah!

[In Deep 13:]

FRANK: Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed that Phantom Creep at the end. Dr. Forrester calls all the shots around here. If you ask me, that chauffeur had the right idea. As a matter of fact, I prepared a little number:

[Spotlight on Frank who gets out of cardboard limo and dons chauffeur hat and white gloves. Dr. Forrester "sits" in back of limo reading paper.]

FRANK: If chauffeurs ruled the world--

It's what I'd like to see

'Cause everyone in the world

Would take a back seat to me.

I wouldn't have to drive--

I wouldn't have to steer--

'Cause all would bow down before me

In total abject fear.

All the gorgeous dames

Would worship at my feet!

Why--I could have any one of them I want!

Even Meryl Steep!

I'd have complete respect

Of everyone on the planet

Including intellectuals,

Even David Mamet.

[Frank dusts off cardboard car and Dr. Forrester who gets angry at this.]

FRANK: Tell me, why do I have to take

Orders from this guy?

I'd like to drop him a bucket of boiling grease

And watch him slowly die.

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank.

FRANK: If chauffeurs ruled the world--

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank! FRANK! [Picks up cardboard limo and dumps it over Frank's head.]

FRANK: --Is what I'd like to see--

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough!

FRANK: --'Cause everyone in the world

Would take a back seat to me--Mammy!

[Dr. Forrester dumps newspaper on top of Frank.]

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank.

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: We think your song is--


[In Deep 13:]

FRANK: [choked with tears]

If chauffeurs ruled the world,

It's what I'd like to see,

But I guess some other palooka will rule the world

[snorts with tears]

No, not me.

DR. FORRESTER: Push the button, Judy Garland. [Frank sobs with tears.] Push the button, Frank.

FRANK: Do you think the ACE Awards people are watching this?

DR. FORRESTER: Oh, for crying out loud! [pushes button]

Songs edit
"MST3K Love Theme" • "Clay & Lar's Flesh Barn" • "Commando Cody Song" • "Sidehackin'" • "Only Love Pads the Film" • "Wild Rebels Cereal" • "My Creepy Girl" • "If Chauffeurs Ruled the World" • "The Jet Jaguar Song" • "Godzilla Genealogy Bop" • "Tibby, Oh Tibby" • "Idiot Control" • "A Clown in the Sky" • "Hike Your Pants Up" • "Celebrity Siblings" • "The Gamera Song" • "Michael Feinstein's Gamera" • "Annoying Cornjob Song" • "Slow the Plot Down" • "The Plate Spinning Song" • "The Waffle Song" • "Cosmic Freight Train" • "Music from Some Guys in Space" • "Fugitive Alien Medley" • "Sandy Frank Song" • "A Patrick Swayze Christmas" • "City Rap" • "Oh, Kim Cattrall" • "A Danger to Myself and Others" • "Tribute to Pants" • "Satellite of Love Marching Song" • "Ode on Estelle" • "Gypsy Moons" • "Hired!" • "What a Pleasant Journey" • "The Janitor Song" • " Killer Shrews" • "My Wild Irish Ireland" • "Joey the Lemur" • "Master Ninja Theme Song" • "Tubular Boobular Joy" • "Whispering Christmas Warrior" • "Merry Christmas...If That's Okay" • "Rowsdower Saves Us" • "Beverly Hillbillies Parody" • "The Greatest Frank of All" • "Happy Thoughts" • "Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter" • "Livin' in Deep 13" • "Girl in Lovers Lane Theme" • "United Servo Academy Men's Chorus Hymn" • "The Poopy Suit Anthem" • "Square Dance" • "The Many Tunes of Gamera" • "Gypsy Rose Me" • "Bouncy Upbeat Song" • "Who Will I Kill?" • "Supercalafragalisticexpiala-wacky!" • "Satellite Hootenanny" • "Digger Smolken Medley" • "When I Held Your Brain in My Arms" • " Puma Man" • "The Funky Seventies" • "Sodium!" • "Loving Lovers Love" • "Mystos" • "Where, Oh Werewolf" • "Stay!" • "Hobgoblins" • "The Canada Song" • "Phones" • "Air on a Delta Knight" • "The Gods Jam" • "Oh, I Am Sad" • "Bobo Creek" • "To Earth" • "1997 Summer Blockbuster Review Theme" • "1998 Academy of Robot's Choice Awards Special" • "1998 Summer Blockbuster Review Theme" • "Mighty Science Theater" • " Satellite Of Love"

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