"If Chauffeurs Ruled the World" is a song performed by TV's Frank at the conclusion of Experiment #206.
Set-up[]
[On The Satellite of Love]
Joel Robinson: Man, that was such an ordeal. What a cruel trick, making us watch a whole other movie again.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, with each episode that Phantom Creeps gets more and more RIDICULOUS!
Tom Servo: Yeah, I know. Who did that chauffeur think he was, thinking he could rule the world?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah!
[In Deep 13]
TV's Frank: Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed that Phantom Creep at the end. Dr. Forrester calls all the shots around here. If you ask me, that chauffeur had the right idea. As a matter of fact, I've prepared a little number.
[Frank is revealed to be in a cardboard limousine. He exits, leaving Dr. Clayton Forrester sitting in the back, reading a paper. Frank puts on white gloves and a chauffer's hat.]
Lyrics[]
FRANK
If chauffeurs ruled the world
It's what I'd like to see
'Cause everyone in the world
Would take a back seat to me
I wouldn't have to drive
I wouldn't have to steer
'Cause all would bow down before me
In total abject fear
All the gorgeous dames
Would worship at my feet!
Why, I could have any one of them I want
Even Meryl Steep
I'd have complete respect
Of everyone on the planet
Including intellectuals
Even David Mamet
[Frank dusts off cardboard car and Dr. Forrester, angering him.]
Tell me, why do I have to take
Orders from this guy?
I'd like to drop him a bucket of boiling grease and
Watch him slowly die
Dr. Forrester: That's enough, Frank.
FRANK
If chauffeurs ruled the world
Dr. Forrester: That's enough, Frank! Frank!
FRANK
Is what I'd like to see
[Dr. F. picks up the cardboard limo and dumps it over Frank's head.]
Dr. Forrester: That's enough!
FRANK
'Cause everyone in the world
Would take a back seat to me
Mammy!
[Dr. F. dumps newspaper on top of Frank.]
Dr. Forrester: That's enough, Frank.
[On the SOL]
Joel Robinson: We think your song is
All: Fabulous!
[In Deep 13]
FRANK [choked with tears]
If chauffeurs ruled the world
It's what I'd like to see
But I guess some other palooka will rule the world
No
Not me
Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Judy Garland. Just push the button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Do you think the ACE Awards people are watching this?
Dr. Forrester: Oh, for crying out loud! [pushes button]
Credits[]
Performed by Frank Conniff with interjections by Trace Beaulieu, Joel Hodgson and Kevin Murphy