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601 - Girls Town
0601
Air Date July 16, 1994
AKA The Innocent and the Damned
Movie Director Charles F. Haas
Year 1959
Cast Mamie Van Doren, Mel Torme, Paul Anka, Ray Anthony, Elinor Donahue
Preceded by 524 - 12 to the Moon
Followed by 602 - Invasion USA

The Movie

Synopsis

It's Southern California in 1959. Chip, a member of the "Jags" gang/car club, plummets to his implausible death in a shallow ditch while attempting to rape gang floozy Mary Lee Morgan (Elinor Donahue). Double-chinned, pushy, loathsome 34-year-old "teen" and fellow Jag Frank (Mel 'the Velvet Hog' Torme), noting from a distance the distinctive head scarf Mary Lee is wearing, mistakenly blames Mary Lee's sister, chronic troublemaker, structural marvel and 28-year-old "teen" Silver Morgan (Mamie Van Doren) for Chip's expiration.

So do the authorities, in the form of Mr. Clyde (Peter Leeds, Marv's Shakespeare teacher from MST's "High School Big Shot"). Pressured by Chip's vengeful plutocratic father, Clyde arranges for the bitter buxom bombshell to do an indefinite stretch in Girls Town, an unusually palatial Catholic estate for wayward young trollops.

Girls Town is ruled with a velvet fist by Mother Veronica (Maggie Hayes) and her pious papist posse. While confined there, the free-thinking scat-singing-and-slang-crazed Silver must survive amidst the tough but far less endowed fellow inmates and hardened-but-caring nuns. In addition, she must endure the romantic attentions of a 47-year-old bread group delivery man (Mamie's real-life husband), unaware that he is actually a PI hired by Chip's father to secure proof of her guilt in his son's death.

Meanwhile in the B plot, delusional Girls Town resident Sarafina (Gigi Perreau) is infatuated with teeny repulsive greasy talent-free Cyranoesque sound-emitting-pop-object Jimmy (Paul Anka) and so he becomes drawn into Girls Town affairs. Granted, gang member Frank may be flabby and slouchy and have absolutely no human appeal whatsoever, but he finally guesses that the true identity of the agent of Chip's demise is Mary Lee. He decides to kidnap her and spirit her away to Mexico so that his father won't take away his car. Really good plan.

Meanwhile the sisters and Jimmy are working on Silver's resentment. Silver and Jimmy play a game of "Whose life was more rotten?" and he cruelly reduces her to tears by making sounds with his mouth.

Suddenly, Silver learns of Mary Lee's disappearance. Will Silver break out of Girls Town and rescue her little sister from the pudgy pawing of the paunchy hipster? Will Sarafina rejoin reality and be exorcised of the elfin white-noise generator? Will Silver mend her rebellious ways and surrender her grudge against the world? And will she ever - "bingle her bongle"?

Contains a gang fight, a drag race, girl-on-girl combat, several utterly wretched allegedly musical performances by Paul Anka and Dick "Daddy-O" Contino.

In the high point of the film, The Platters appear in a pleasant musical cameo, conducted by a pair of eerily disembodied hands.

Information

  • Yep, that's Dick Contino, star of Daddy-O, playing the member of the Dragons gang who gets killed in the hands-free drag race.
  • Gloria Talbott, the tough Romulanesque Girls Town resident who knows jiujitsu because her dad is a bouncer, also appears in The Leech Woman is the gal whose lawyer fiance is smitten by the titular character.
  • The producer originally wanted Lucille Ball to play the Mother Superior. How weird would that have been?
  • Mamie Van Doren introduced the film alongside Adam West turning Turkey Day 1994.

The Episode

Host Segments

Prologue: The Satellite of Love crew prepares for Dr. F’s big announcement. Mike is wearing his tuxedo jumper, and Crow has gotten The Power Steves, a less-than-enthusastic polka band.

Segment One: Dr. Forrester unveils the Umbilicus with a pompous speech, as TV's Frank tries not to go to sleep. Gypsy is part of the link and she is less than enthusastic about it. But the Umbilicus at this stage has some "technical difficulties".

Segment Two: Tom "scats" like Mel Tormé until Mike and Crow have had enough. It doesn't take long, and so Mike and Crow begin a long system of containment to end the scatting, which ends before it can be enacted when commercial sign hits.

Segment Three: While Mike explains the honor system to Crow, Tom scarfs down all the honor system candy. He looks rather grotesque when he is finished.

Segment Four: The crew discusses how fads alter the idea of the perfect woman’s figure. They decide to design their own perfect woman of the future. Wings, Mexican tiles, huge eyelids, and power take-off are part what go into their design.

Segment Five: Mike and the Bots joyfully send a cream pie down Gypsy's mouth so it can surprise Dr. F when the Umbilicus finally works the way its supposed to.

Stinger: "You tell that boy to go home right now, or I’ll call the police!"

Other Notes

Guest Stars

Obscure References

  • "Let's get you to Letterman's house."

A reference to Margaret Mary Ray, David Letterman's stalker.

  • "Tonight, on 'Viper'!"

A reference to the TV series Viper, whose hero drove a Dodge Viper with high-tech weapons capabilities.

  • "Gigaaa-aaantor!"

Mike is singing the theme song from Gigantor, one of the earliest anime series to be broadcast in the United States.

  • "I don't believe in Santa Claus anymore." "No, Lupita!"

A reference to the little girl from Santa Claus.

  • "Oh, hello, daaaahling."

Servo is doing an impression of Zsa Zsa Gabor.

  • "Well, you're a cookie full of arsenic and I'd like to take a bite out of you, too!"

A reference to a famous line from Sweet Smell of Success.

  • "Aikman slips out of the pocket and he's a cupcake!"

A reference to former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman.

  • "It's John Waters!"

John Waters is a thinly-mustached filmmaker who first made a name for himself with intentionally offensive movies such as Pink Flamingos.

  • "I know who you are, I saw what you did..."

A reference to the 1965 movie I Saw What You Did.

  • "Well, then is *Geddy* Lee there?"

Geddy Lee is the lead singer, bassist and keyboardist of the Canadian progressive rock band Rush.

  • "Dick Contino looks like Dick Francis!"

Dick Francis is a British mystery writer and former jockey.

  • "Joe Jackson!"

Joe Jackson is a British pop musician best known for his 1982 hit "Steppin' Out".

  • "Kind of a Dirty Larry and Crazy Murray here!"

A reference to the 1974 movie Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry.

  • "Must...do...Christina's World!"

An allusion to the Andrew Wyeth painting Christina's World.

  • "Meanwhile, at the Hotel New Hampshire..."

A reference to the novel and movie The Hotel New Hampshire.

  • "My mother! *slap* My sister!"

A line from the movie Chinatown.

  • "The Rock in Betty Lou's Pantyhose!"

A play on the movie The Gun in Betty Lou's Handbag.

  • "That move is pure Emma Peel!"

Emma Peel was the name of Diana Rigg's character on the 1960s British TV series The Avengers.

  • "Cantinflas!"

Cantinflas was a Mexican comedian.

  • '"Romulans!"

When Mike says this the hairstyles of two of the girls are reminiscent of the Romulans from Star Trek.

  • "Hey, Sister C, this is Father Dowling. Say, is David Doyle..."

Father Dowling is the protagonist of Father Dowling Mysteries.

  • "And down goes Blaze!"

American Gladiators was a show with improbably named "gladiators" (Blaze, Laser, Turbo, etc.) competing against contestants in feats of physical prowess.  One of these was the Joust, which involved trying to knock each other off a bridge with pugil sticks.

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