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Fire Maidens of Outer Space

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Astronauts and scientists puzzle over the new discovery of a thirteenth Jovian moon, and decide to send an expedition there with surprising results. Aboard the SOL, Crow has acquired a new friend, but his new pal "Timmy" has other plans.

416 - Fire Maidens of Outer Space
0416
Air Date November 26, 1992
Movie Director Cy Roth
Year 1956
Cast Anthony Dexter, Paul Carpenter, Susan Shaw, Harry Fowler
Preceded by 415 - The Beatniks
Followed by 417 - Crash of Moons


The Movie

Synopsis

In England, Edwin Hubble-lookalike astronomers peer from within a brightly lit bus station through large optical telescopes and discover a thirteenth moon orbiting Jupiter, a moon that appears to be surrounded by 'terrestrial fog' (or perhaps pipe smoke). The scientists ponder whether it can support life, and if it even might have people living on it. ("It could have dogs, light rail, and tofu! What's your point?!-Tom")  To advance scientific knowledge of this enigma, a team of five is dispatched by a suitably nebulous government agency to investigate.

Following two weeks of preparation (including the purchase of office furniture for the crew compartment and cosmetics counter lab coats for the intrepid astronauts), our protagonists are launched for Jupiter on a V2 rocket outfitted with nuclear engines, which have just been perfected. Once in space, they deal with minor inconveniences like the great caramel corn belt between Mars and Jupiter, ("Darn! You made me lose count!"-Crow) and major difficulties like a loose cord on an electric razor. En route, navigation is achieved with the aid of a paper map, pencil and dimestore protractor, and computation with a mechanical adding machine.

On approach to the Jovian system, far from being transformed into a sparkling quark-gluon plasma by the inferno of radiation they would encounter, they are instead contacted in English by an unidentified male voice and supplied with landing instructions. The team sets down, smokes several cigarettes, and descends a 12' extension ladder to begin exploring the stunningly Earthlike world. ("Agh! What's that?! Oh, it's just a tree. Aah! What's THAT? Oh, just another tree." - Crow and Tom)

After walking for about ten minutes, the team encounters a small chocolate-coated statue and rescues a screaming woman from the pawing of a gaunt, growling be-Danskinned humanoid with a skin condition (called 'the creature'). Three members of the crew return to the ship. The other two follow the unspeaking woman to a fortified settlement and learn that the 13th moon of Jupiter was settled by refugees from Atlantis ("Yeah, great. You got any beer nuts?"-Joel). For no specified reason, only one male remains, and the rest are twenty-something females (fire maidens). The Earth-studs are then tortured by the maidens with interminable dancing which is accompanied by 19th-century Russian orchestral music before succumbing to drugged wine and waking up in separate rooms where the women have plans for them.

Things get more interesting when the three guys at the ship decide to return to the settlement and break in, also admitting the 'creature'. After a short confrontation with same interrupts an attempted human sacrifice (by the maidens, not the creature, and with the titular "fire"), the 'creature' is felled.   

Blair, the team leader, declares his affection for the main "fire maiden" and the Earth men depart (with said maiden), promising to return to get the other Atlanteans. And / or bring them husbands. 

Arguably a remake of Cat-Women of the Moon but with a larger budget,

Information

Wielding Alexander Borodin’s Polovetsian Dances the way a construction worker wields a 5 lb sledge hammer, Cy Roth pummels the movie with incidental music, all of it à propos of nothing.

The Episode

Host Segments

Prologue: Joel does a posture check on the bots (an homage to the Posture Pals short in episode 320 ). Suddenly, a strange black creature emerges from Crow’s shadow and attacks Cambot!

Segment One (Invention Exchange): The Mads present the big checkbook, like the ones companies use for prize giveaway photo ops. Unfortunately, Frank has written some cheques to people who he can't remember, causing Forrester to interrogate him in a manner similar to that in It's a Wonderful Life. Joel presents the Nike Air-chelada, a 'high-tech crosstraining shoe' whose center contains 'deliciously spreadable portwine cheese'. Crow also introduces Joel and Tom to his new friend the black creature, whom he names "Timmy".

Segment Two: Double entendres that really aren’t double entendres so much as they are saying an ordinary phrase in a suggestive tone of voice. Timmy, however gets Crow in trouble with his suggestions.

Segment Three: Trying to replicate the rocket in the film's incredibly simple controls, Joel has built the Twin Screw Univeral Controller, a two-lever system that controls literally everything aboard the SOL. Timmy frames Crow and gets him a time-out before fiddling with the levers, with very surreal consequences.

Segment Four: Timmy snatches Tom Servo away, screaming and crying for help, in the theater and encases him in a pseudopod on the Satellite bridge. While Crow goes one on one with his evil double, Joel arrives with a rake and forces Timmy out the airlock a la Ripley in Aliens ("Let go of him, you bitch!"). Joel scolds Crow about bringing evil spectres onto the ship, but all is forgiven when they realize it's commercial sign.

Segment Five: The bots are having a difficult time processing what went on in the movie and Joel tries to console them. To cheer them up, he reads a letter from a little girl who says her little sister looks like Crow and her brother is slowly turning into Tom Servo. This works, but only for a little while. Timmy, meanwhile, has fallen into the hands of an unsuspecting Frank, and bites his finger before the credits roll.

Stinger: One of the astronauts discovers a secret passage

Other Notes

  • This episode debuted as part of Turkey Day '92.
  • This is the first episode to feature Crow with his feet showing.

Obscure References

  • "Mr. Secretary, the next sound you hear will be a high-pitched squeal. That'll be the sound of the ambassador's phone melting!"
A quote from the 1964 film Fail-Safe.
  • "I am the maiden of hellfire!"
A parody of the Arthur Brown song "Fire".
  • "Isn't it Prince Rogers Nelson?"
Prince Rogers Nelson is Prince's full name.
  • "Oh no, they're bombing Levittown!"
Levittown is the name of several American planned communities built during the late 1940s and early '50s, the oldest and most famous of which is located on Long Island.
  • Repeated Peenemünde references
The footage of the rocket launch and staging is archival footage of post-war V2 launches. During WW2, many V2 rockets were launched from Peenemüde in eastern Germany
  • "King Dinosaur! That's from King - I'm leaving!"
King Dinosaur used the same V2 footage. In fact, the clip of the rocket "landing" among a group of trees is directly lifted from the former film.
  • "Sergeant [sic] 'Bat' Guano, if that really is your name..."
A quote from Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. In the relevant scene, Sellers wants Col. 'Bat' Guano to shoot up a Coke machine.
  • "They're havin' a Montclair Moment!"
A reference to an old advertising campaign for Montclair cigarettes.
  • "Stay off the moors!"
A quote from An American Werewolf in London.
  • "Run away! RUN AWAY!" "And now the spanking!"
Quotes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
  • "ROLLERCOASTER!"
A quote from the Ohio Players song "Love Rollercoaster".
  • "Donna Douglas!"
Actress Donna Douglas is best known for playing Elly May on The Beverly Hillbillies.
  • "These are cola nuts!"
A reference to a memorable 7-Up commercial from the 1970s featuring the hearty laugh of the remarkable Geoffrey Holder.
  • "In fact, these are the fifteen vestal virgins who are headed for the coast!"
A reference to the Procul Harum song "A Whiter Shade of Pale".
  • "Oh mighty bo-omb..."
A reference to the society of nuclear bomb-worshiping mutants from Beneath the Planet of the Apes.
  • "We have joy, we have fun, we have seasons..."
A reference to the song "Seasons in the Sun" by Terry Jacks.
  • "Look ladies, I'm no Wilt Chamberlain!"
Basketball player Wilt Chamberlain claimed in 1991 that he had sex with over 20,000 women in his life... Or, assuming he became sexually active at the age of 15, 1.37 women per day. (Fill in your own jokes about what the implications of sex with .37 of a woman suggests.)
  • "Looks like Ric Ocasek in a union suit!"
Ric Ocasek is the lead singer of The Cars. A union suit is a type of full-body long underwear.
  • "So he signed me up for this film called 'Sleep', with Andy Warhol..."
In 1963, artist Andy Warhol directed an experimental film entitled Sleep that consisted of eight hours' worth of footage of a man sleeping.
  • "Jeez, the Bataan Death March was less painful than this!"
The Bataan Death March occurred in 1942, when the Japanese army forced tens of thousands of American POWs and Filipino resistance fighters- many of whom died in the process- to walk across an occupied Philippine island.
  • "Tip O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen! Tip O'Neill!"
Tip O'Neill was the Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives from 1977 to 1987.
  • "Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets..."
A song from the Broadway musical Damn Yankees.
  • "Number three, the larch."
A reference to this episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus.
  • "Snipe! Here, snipe! ...I couldn't find any snipe! Guys!"
A snipe hunt is a type of practical joke that often involves sending the person on the receiving end to "find" a nonexistent animal or object.
  • "Blair!" "The moment I met you, I swear!"
Reference to the song "Clair" by Gilbert O'Sullivan.
  • "I'm just a girl who can't say no, I'm in a terrible fix..."
"... I always say, 'Come on let's go,' when I oughta say nix." As sung by the character Ado Annie in the musical Oklahoma .
  • "Does anybody have a copy of 'Final Exit'? 'Cause I'm gonna need it!"
Final Exit is a controversial book detailing methods of suicide.
  • "Anderson..." "You make windows!"
A reference to the Andersen Windows company.


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