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A Patrick Swayze Christmas

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A Patrick Swayze Christmas is a Christmas carol written by Crow T. Robot, first performed in a host segment in the episode Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

Inspired by his favorite film, the 1989 classic Road House, Crow decides that "there's no tradition like a new tradition" and writes this carol that he hopes will soon become a holiday classic. The song is written in 12/8 time in the key of A flat major.

Joel and Tom are initially uneasy about performing the song, and are further put off by the presence of an action sequence in the middle of the song. However, Crow invites them to sing on and they finish the carol. Tom complements the "tasteful introduction", but Joel is less than thrilled.


Tom: Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
Crow: We'll gather at the Road House with our next of kin.
Joel: And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing.
All: We'll decorate a barstool and gather round and sing.
Tom: Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!
Crow: Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear...
(song stops)
Joel: Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop the music. (music stops) Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.
Crow: Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong in Christmas?
Joel: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before.
Crow: Well, then grab hold o' your socks, Joel Robinson, and read on!
Tom: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. (music picks up) ...Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful.
Crow: Thank you.
(song resumes)
Tom:: t's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my bar.
Crow: I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!
Joel: I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till.
All: I think that that right jolly old elf had better make out his will!
Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all.
And this can be the haziest...
This can be the laziest...
This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them all!

Background information and notes

  • The song was written by Michael J. Nelson, who later took on the actual Swayze films Road House and [[Point Break in solo riffing RiffTrax episodes.
Songs edit
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