"(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" is a Christmas carol written by Crow T. Robot, first performed during Experiment #321 by Tom Servo, Crow and Joel Robinson.
Later, it is one of the songs performed by Joel Robinson, Jonah Heston and Emily Connor as they attempt to escape from Kinga Forrester.
Experiment #321[]
Set-up[]
Crow T. Robot: Okay, now if you all look at your sheet music, we can rehearse my new song.
Joel Robinson: You wrote a Christmas song?
Crow T. Robot: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition!
Tom Servo: Wait a minute, "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas"?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, Road House.
Tom Servo: C'mon, what the heck does Patrick Swayze have to do with Christmas?
Crow T. Robot: Hey, you keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine, okay?
Joel RObinson: C'mon, Servo. It seems like a nice enough sentiment. We can give it a shot. C'mon.
Crow T. Robot: All right, all right. Okay: 12/8 time, key of A-flat major... Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? You're parts are written out. "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Crow T. Robot.
Joel Robinson: "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"?
Crow T. Robot: Right. Hit it, Cambot!
[music starts]
Tom Servo: Oh. Oh, I start. I get it.
Lyrics[]
TOM
Open up your heart and let the
Patrick Swayze Christmas in
CROW
We'll gather at the Road House
With our next of kin
JOEL
And Santa can be
Our regular Saturday Night thing
ALL
We'll decorate a barstool
And gather 'round and sing
TOM
Oh
Let's have a Patrick Swayze
Christmas this year!
CROW
Or we'll tear your throat out
And kick you in the ear
Joel Robinson: Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it.
[music stops]
Joel Robinson: Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.
Crow T. Robot: Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong at Christmas?
Joel Robinson: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before.
Crow T. Robot: Well, then grab hold of your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!
Tom Servo: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot.
[music resumes]
Tom Servo: Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful.
Crow T. Robot: Thank you.
TOM
It's my way or the highway
This Christmas at my bar
CROW
I'll have to smash your kneecaps if
You bastards touch my car
JOEL
I got the word that Santa has been
Stealing from the till
ALL
I think that that right jolly old elf
Better make out his will
Oh
Let's have a Patrick Swayze
Christmas one and all
And this can be the haziest...
This can be the laziest...
This can be the Swayziest
Christmas of them all!
TOM
La la la la la la
Ha ha!
Crow T. Robot: How long before it becomes a standard?
Joel Robinson: I think you've gotta come with me. C'mon!
[Joel drags Crow out]
Tom Servo: We'll be right back. Save a leg for me! Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Experiment #1313[]
Set-up[]
[On the Satellite of Love, having just played "Hooray for Santa Claus"]
Joel Robinson: Whoa, how we doin'?
Jonah Heston: We don't have enough momentum. We're not gonna make it.
Emily Connor: Oh, no, come on, you guys. We can do this. We just need to pick up the pace.
Joel Robinson: Ooh, I got it. Let's do "Patrick Swayze Christmas". That'll give us the boost we need.
Jonah Jeston: Good. Good idea. Here we go. Ready?
Lyrics[]
EMILY
Open up your heart and let the
Patrick Swayze Christmas in
We'll gather at the Road House
With our next of kin
And Santa can be
Our regular Saturday Night thing
We'll decorate a barstool...
[In Moon 1]
Kinga Forrester: Ha, ha ha. Look at 'em, Max. It's pathetic.
[On the Satellite of Love]
ALL
This can be the haziest
EMILY
And this can be the laziest
ALL
This can be the laziest
Emily Connor: Oh, no. Something's wrong. We're not getting enough thrust.
Joel Robinson: Oh, there must be something wrong with the automatic pilot or maybe the percussive drive.
Jonah Heston: No, there's nothing. Just keep playing, you two.
[On the Simulator of Love]
Crow T. Robot: Now, this is Must See TV.
Tom Servo: Are we TiVo-ing this?
GPC-2: TiVo? How old are you?
[The Satellite of Love and The Pretty Lady crash on the Moon's surface]
[In Moon 1]
Kinga Forrester: Oh, Maxie-poo... Ready The Christmas Dragon. Again.
[On the Satellite of Love]
Joel Robinson: I got it. You guys know "O Holy Night"?
Jonah Heston: Oh, Joel. That's too slow.
Joel Robinson: Not the way the Trans-Siberian Orchestra does it. Count me off!
Jonah Heston: Yeah! One. Two. Three. Four.
[hosts start performing "O Holy Night"]
Credits[]
- Music and lyrics by Michael J. Nelson
- Episode #321 version performed by Kevin Murphy, Trace Beaulieu and Joel Hodgson
- Episode #1313 version performed by Emily Marsh, Jonah Ray and Joel Hodgson